Toddler Tales

Maybe I’m incompetent. That’s one explanation for the stories I’m about to share.

The Mall: Turtle, Monkey and I were at the family bathroom at Lakeline Mall. I changed Monkey’s diaper while Turtle sat in the stroller, but Monkey didn’t want back in the stroller while I changed Turtle’s diaper. I surveyed the clean bathroom and thought to myself, “What is the worst than can happen if I let Monkey wander around?” I thought she might splash her hands in the child-sized toilet, but I knew she would scream nonstop while I changed Turtle if she was stuck in the stroller, so I took the risk. She stayed close to me at first, but eventually headed over to the toilet. She started pulling the toilet paper off the roll, and I thought that would be sufficiently entertaining. But then she stuck her hands into the toilet water . . . and sucked on her fingers. Again and again as I begged her to stop, cursing my failure of imagination, and powerless to yank her away because I had my hands full with Turtle, still half diapered on the elevated changing table.

Apples: The girls were playing in the kitchen and eating sliced apples. Monkey put her hands up towards the apples on the counter and started grunting and fussing. She can say “a-pul” clear as day so I said, “Say apple, honey, ask for an apple, you can do it.” In the time it took me to work on this little lesson with Monkey, Turtle stopped what she was doing, opened her mouth, let the chewed up apple fall out onto the floor, and then went on her merry way. Before I even finished saying, “Turtle, don’t spit your food out, please” Monkey picked up the pieces off the floor and ate them.

Poop: We were in the nursery, getting ready for naptime, and I was trying to show the girls how to help me put books away. Turtle was halfway paying attention, so I focused on her while Monkey sat pulling pajamas out of the drawer. I was crawling around the room gathering all the books when suddenly Monkey was right by my side, with Turtle’s dirty diaper in hand. She had managed to pull it off the changing table, open it up, and stick her hand it. Now she stood with the dirty diaper in one hand and a handful of poo in the other, looking at me with a face that clearly said, “How in the hell could you let me do this?” I consider myself lucky that she found it disgusting.

I know that anyone with two children can’t give both kids their undivided attention simultaneously. But in my fantasy world, older toddlers know better than to stick her hands in the baby’s poopy diaper, while I’m trying to manage two children who both don’t know they can fall off the deck, aren’t aware that toilet water is not for drinking, and don’t understand what “let’s stay in the driveway” means. They’ve both just started trying to climb on big furniture in earnest, and while they’re still unsuccessful, I have to say that it kind of feels like Twin Momma ain’t seen nothing yet.