Happy New Year!

I’m feeling pressured to write a profound end-of-year/end-of-decade post, filled with poignant remembrances and ambitious resolutions. I may go in that direction, but, just in case, let's pretend I'm not trying to write anything special. Ok, whew, pressure is off.

I do kind of have a feeling of excitement about 2010, though. I plan to re-enter society. I’m not sure when or how, or whether it means becoming employed or just engaging is some other sort of regular adult activity. But I can feel it building inside me. That itchy feeling I get after I’ve worked at one job a couple of years, and I start thinking about what else might be around the corner, or what I can add to my life to keep it interesting.

There’s a pretty simple explanation for this – the kids are older. They can say things like, “I’m hungry, I’m cold, I have a poopy diaper, I’m tired, I want my Lovey,” and so on. They tell me what they want to eat and what they want to drink. They can climb up and down stairs without holding my hand. They can sit alone and “read” a pile of books for 20 minutes while I get some housework done. They can sit in big chairs at the bank and doodle on a notepad while I take care of business. They enjoy going to "school" and being cared for by other adults.

In short, we are all ready for the next stage, whatever that may mean. I’m trying not to over think it, which would be new for me. In fact, I will now share my one profound, ambitious resolution for 2010 and beyond: I resolve to let myself be who I am.

Pretty heady stuff, huh? Here’s some more. I’m going to relax inside my body, and follow my interests, and not judge every thought that pops into my head. I’m going to stop “should”-ing myself to death. I’m going to let all the dark stuff from my past flutter out of me so that I am just me, rather than a conglomeration of painful experiences I’m trying to squish. I’m going to allow myself to grow into the person who is already there.

It may look like I am an over-planning, controlling, hyper, Type-A freak-out because that’s “who I am.” But that’s not really me at all. It’s just who I become when I go to that place where I don’t trust my judgment or instincts, or when I’m feeling shame or sadness about my past and where I came from. I go to those places a lot, several times a day in fact, and I use all that crazy Type-A energy to either distract me from my deep pain or to control my environment so I can convince myself that no mistake will ever be made on my watch, ever again for the rest of my life.

It takes a lot of nervous energy to keep up this kind of charade, which probably explains why I can eat obscene amounts of chocolate and ice cream on a daily basis without gaining weight. So I guess while I’m doing all this relaxing within myself, I’ll have to make a secondary resolution to cut back on the chocolate (the ice cream is not negotiable).

I hope you will think about what you can do to give yourself a break this year, and to simply be who you are. And I hope you enjoy lots of ice cream, too.