Illness (again)

Monkey has a fever again. She’s had it since Monday morning, with no other symptoms. We went to the pediatrician yesterday to see if she could figure out the problem, but she couldn’t. She assured me it was probably just some virus and to call back if there were any changes for the worse. Poor Monkey had to suffer through having her right ear flooded by a water pick for three minutes to clean out the ear wax so the doctor could confirm she didn’t have an ear infection. I pressed my cheek against hers, trying to soothe her while she screamed and screamed, with one nurse holding her down and another hosing out her ear. I knew she didn’t have an ear infection. But I didn’t stop the torture – because, well, how could I be sure?

It’s just one more question to add to the hundreds of questions I ask each day, and that I have to answer myself. Should we try a new food at lunch today, or stick with a sure thing? Should I try the sippy cup today instead of a bottle? Should I let Turtle climb on the fireplace hearth like that? Should I interfere when Monkey takes a toy from Turtle? Has Turtle had enough to eat? Should I give Monkey Tylenol or just let her body fight the fever?

In the beginning months of parenthood, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had to make a decision about the care of newborns about once every two minutes, nearly 24 hours a day, and I had no idea what I was doing. I felt like I made a hundred mistakes a day. I now consider a day fairly successful if I make only a dozen mistakes.

But every mistake, both real and perceived, launches me into my favorite game, Everything is My Fault. If I was paying closer attention, Turtle would not have fallen off the fireplace and hit her head on the wood floor. If I was still breastfeeding Monkey, she wouldn’t have this fever. If I trusted my instincts, we wouldn’t be spraying water into Monkey’s perfectly healthy ear while she screamed in terror.

I try to make the right decision every time. I try so hard. But some days the best I can do is survive. I hope the girls feel the love behind my efforts, and forgive me for being only human.