Parents say the Darndest Things

When correcting Turtle and Monkey, I try to keep it short: “No hitting,” “No biting,” “No throwing food.” I do this to save my voice, since I say the aforementioned three sentences, and many others just like them, at least a thousand times a day.

I didn't expect to be a “No” parent. I carefully arranged our home to be as toddler-friendly as possible so that my little angels could thrive to their full potential, never being thwarted by the word “No.” But my imagination failed to match their curiosity, and so I am constantly saying “No” and pulling a child off a bookshelf (they have their own bottom shelf in every room, but only want the big books on the top shelf); out of the kitchen cabinets (they have their own cabinet to play in, just like the books instructed, but that isn’t enough); out of the toilet, out of the cat’s food, off the computer, out of the trash can, away from the hot stove, out of the plants, out of the diaper pail.

Sometimes I get confused by what I should say because the action is so random that I don’t even know how to describe it: “No . . . writing on your food?” I know I could be more nuanced in encouraging better behavior: “Kitty doesn’t like his food put into his water dish,” or “Markers are for paper, not for food.” But most of the time I just blurt out “No!” and then try to describe the offending behavior so they will know what to correct. Often what I say is so ridiculous that I look around to see if Candid Camera is watching. The following are the "No" statements in current rotation. These are in addition to my hourly diatribe of "No pushing, no biting, no hitting, no pulling hair, no throwing food," which I'm thinking of having tattoed on my face.

No putting bread on your head
No stepping on mommy’s face
No putting Lovey in the diaper pail
No pushing the highchair
No writing on your baby
No writing on the kitty
No writing on mommy
No climbing on the cat’s scratching post
No standing on the chair
No opening the washing machine
No banging on the window with Sonya Lee
No putting yogurt in your hair
No running when you have a pair of shorts on your head and can’t see
No pulling leaves off the inside plants
No eating Cheerios you find on the garage floor
No climbing on your table
No putting avocado in your hair
No standing in the tub
No touching the (insert every piece of technology you can think of).

I promise there are a million things they are allowed to do in the house. And I don’t always say “No.” There’s a whole other category of action that is not forbidden, just potentially unsafe. That’s my, “Be careful when you . . .” list. We’ll save that for another day.